Updated: Feb 4
It's Monday 13th January 2020. Floors are wet on the pavement, it's dull but not raining. There's a fresh feeling in the air in this bustling city, London.
I did the school run this morning, the other half is at work for the next 4 days which means I'm on cub duty. Usually there's a manic rush to get everyone ready in time for school but not today, today we are on time and chilling.
After dropping the kids off to school, I'd usually go straight home to crack on with house chores or storm up new ideas for the family business and if I haven't been called in to my side job..
I'm currently on the train headed to Queens Park to meet my sister-in-law for our first coffee date together minus kids (my niece has started nursery you see). I'm feeling energised and excited!
Although I've just realised whilst writing this that the reason I wanted to start typing away on my phone to make this blog mid station was to not only distract me from the awkward stares people give eachother when on a busy train or the contrary trying to avoid eye contact (because its Monday and everyone seems miserable to be going back to work), but I'm actually super nervous.
At the back end of 2019 I realised I've been more in tune with my emotions. And having had years of therapy (not last year though) I learnt to recognise the signs of a "down spell".
For me, it's feeling so demotivated and tired I just want to stay home, curl up in my bed and never leave.
When I opened my eyes this morning I had a cuddly Benji next to me (I think Papa put him there before he left for work). I glanced over at him and thought "can we just stay here together?"... Then reality kicked in... "but do I actually want to have you home with me all day when all I want to do is sleep?" ha! Probably not.
So I got my arse into gear and did what I had to do. Put the smile on and front it out.
I sent all the good morning vibes to every person we passed on the school run, teachers, parents and even people in cars who were kind enough to stop so we could cross the roads safely.
And now I'm sat here, on a crowded train thinking about my life choices, haha!
I've realised I'm just a bit caught up in my head.
Worrying about my health situation which I both like and dislike talking about.
I accidentally missed an appointment with my consultant on the 2nd of this month but have a couple big appointments in the next few weeks which I'm making sure I don't miss.
It's just a bit scary not knowing what's going to happen and what the results are going to be. Will they/won't they be able to give me a diagnosis after 4 years of investigations?...
Sometimes I get myself in a right state of desperation and depression when I think about what's happened/happening to me. Other times I just ignore it or say - "yeah I'm OK" just to avoid further conversation when people ask.
There are days when I like talking about my problems and other times I just want to move on and pretend they don't exist. Today is one of those in between days.
In other words, I'm not sure what to feel but what I do know is that I refuse to mope around at home and simply feel sorry for myself. Each day is a blessing. We don't have this life forever.
- - Intermission whilst I eat breakfast and enjoy a cuppa tea with the sis-in-law - -
Continuation: OK I'm back! And now en route back to my end of the bricks to meet up with a couple of "old" friends I used to go to secondary school with.
Breakfast was lovely, I must remember to do it more! - sometimes I'm guilty of forgetting to eat at an appropriate time... Have you ever done that? I think I'll be keeping an eye on that habit more in future though.
Belly is nice and full and the sister and I had a good natter/catch up. Looking forward to this lunch meet now as whenever we do it always feels like a creative explosion of good ideas and positivity. Something I think is needed this week!
I don't know if it's the full moon or what but whatever this funk is I'm internally feeling I genuinely hope it passes soon!
For anyone feeling a bit "meh" don't worry, I got you.